I dream, therefore I am

The achromatic is fast changing, the reds, the blues and the greens are dissolving to produce a tertiary and I was struggling to hold the colors in its purity because I know these are my true real character and if I had lost them then I would lose myself, and then suddenly the chaotic is taken control and I find myself awake.

Lying unmoved on the bed for a long time staring at the ceiling I was wondering if for some reason my soul has departed and I would never be able to get up with my body, or am I awake after a very long dream and all that had happened till now in my life is nothing but a delusion of events and I am to relive all over again from the creation and I thought I could use the experiences of my dream as an authoritative reserve to manipulate my future.

Surprisingly all the characters that I had met in my dreams look familiar and I know most of them by names, the only unknown character was myself because I never had control on my actions, it was like the suppressive me let unfastened. I think dreams are the only place where you act your part and you are also the spectator, you know what comes next at the same time you let it happen, you are the manipulator and you get manipulated. The reason part of it doesn’t bother us, and we use this parallel world to retort to the questions that are difficult to answer otherwise, because we think and we are confident and have faith in its script, like believing in god.

There are no common windows here, actually there are no windows at all because there is no roof and no walls, everything is infinite, only sequence of event which I had partially created in my mind subconsciously.

But there is always a sense of confusion as to which world is a dream and which is real, because I cannot see the interface.

Windows without Frames

What about the encounters that one has at a very different level of mind, a level where the whole personality comes in as a thought, an inspiration, an ardor, and it is no different when compared to the physical state of any encounter and the good thing is it is omnipresent ….

They are many such windows in my room and these are like paintings adorned on the wall, I keep staring to get a newer perspective of life every time, although it requires a different frame of mind to be able to appreciate this magnificence, bundled in form of a poem, a song or a prose.

It was an accident, and it had to be that way because the universe is an immense place and finding something which can provide sparkle in ones life has to be an accident, and when you discover something like this I think for a short while the need for exploration comes to a stand still and the ecstasy takes its peak.

I kept mounting till I was partly filled with this encounter, which kept me giving enough victuals for thought …..in fact It was so alluring that I loved to keep staring at this window enjoying this picturesque other world and like a kaleidoscope the more I filliped my thoughts the newer patterns of life It made me see…

I kept changing with each elucidation, what was just a word had innumerable connotations and what was once erroneous was persuasively proper, and I thought I found my religion and I was free to offer my prayer in my own way.

What makes these encounters special is it does not require the approval of the owner of the window to sneak in and its always open and for anybody…….

Want to steal a glance, Mirza Ghalib ……

हजारों ख्वाहिशें ऐसी कि हर ख्वाहिश पे दम निकले
बहुत निकले मेरे अरमाँ, लेकिन फिर भी कम निकले


मुहब्बत में नहीं है फ़र्क जीने और मरने का
उसी को देख कर जीते हैं जिस काफिर पे दम निकले


खुदा के बासते पर्दा ना काबे से उठा जालिम
कहीं ऐसा न हो याँ भी वही काफिर सनम निकले

ADDA

Cigarettes, Chai and Bread-omelet are all that we get here, but what we get here exclusively is the sovereignty of time …midnight tea or fag…. welcome to Sattar Bhai….

My association with this place goes back for more then a decade now and I know for myself it is no lesser than The Central Perk that Ross, Joey, Rachel and Friends share, and ditto I had my share of emotional, intellectual and cold moment at this place...

I don’t know for sure if his name is Sattar, and his age and the place he comes from, all that I know is, he never seem to be interested in knowing his clients or anybody who came to his café, without an expression on his face he would pour the tea from the kettle and would never bother to know if we had paid for the offering …... I know Sattar Bhai had been a silent listener to all our long conversations, discussion, arguments and personal stories and like an accompanist in a group of performers he was there throughout nodding in himself and self approving to all that we spoke at different mood, at different times of our life.

Some windows are there with an opaque panes, it never opens and I would say it is locked from the other side and the owner of the lock deliberately impedes from peeping outside, even after lot of attempt all that one can see is a hazy picture and would never be able to craft a collage because there is no perspicuity and therefore lacks the connection ….

In this hurried life we have more of such encounters and could be we have a mistaken impression of the owner ….I just feel I could stop and make a sincere attempt to peep in such windows but then I know I am short of time.

While we grew materialistically in our life our Adda remained unchanged….the discolored grey ceramic cups with not so noticeable cracks and the aroma of the steaming over simmered tea was always there to say welcome back…

I know everybody who visits this place must have felt relaxed and opened up to a fresh conversation with a cup of Tea in one hand and a lighted tobacco in another and announcing quietly, I have the approval of Sattar Bhai to live my Sattar Moments.

“Let’s catch up at Sattar Bhai”.

JOKER

I don’t remember when my romance with colours started, must be as a kid when colours exited me and I would easily get tempted to fill a white paper with my expressions or could be I thought communicating in words were the most difficult and painful activity for any human being and typically I thought I was also not comfortable with verbal communication and therefore choose to find a way to do it with colours …..but as I grew older I found out that there were way to actually avoid it and that was to be unvoiced ...........

Till one day I was motivated again to use this medium to retort ……though it took more than a decade, but I am happy I can still ride the bicycle without falling,

Recipe in the making of…..

Saturday late night
Kishore on Farishta (World Space)
Smell of cognac
Intermittent barking of neighbor’s dog
24 Shades of oil pastels
Pencil
Paper


And the final product…..

My Friend Praveen

Ever wondered why we need friends, well for that matter why do we need acquaintances at all …

I don’t know about others but personally I think we are nonexistent without our so called the extended ego.

We can differentiate colours because there is light around us …and it requires a friend to be able to comprehend the exquisiteness in us, a friend with whom you just don’t share your joys, happiness or sorrow but somebody whom you think you can go back and share yourself without being inhibited and without having the slightest doubt in your mind about tomorrow when you come back once the clouds have passed…..…

Humble, Humbler and humblest ….I sometimes wonder what has made him so, is it the vast knowledge that he had possessed reading books from around the world or is it because of his detachment from the mundane temptations and the selfless nature that he had wishfully imbibed in him because of his divine inclination, accepting the divinity in all humans who come in contact with him.

At times I feel surprised with such shower of affection….but next moment I realize, that’s how it needs to be. It’s only that we have made simple emotions complicated and therefore miss the true essence of it. I know he believes there is an unambiguous beauty in the simplicity and it comes with being unbiased towards one and all.

It was important for an agnostic in me to have this encounter because I thought it helped me in my introspection and in considering things from a different perspective.

If you feel sure, tranquil and at peace with yourself after meeting someone then I am certain you understand what I am speaking.

One, two three…..how many of these do you have…..heaven you seem to be wealthier….

Joie de vivre

You make me feel so young
You make me feel the spring has sprung
Every time I see you grin
I am such a happy individual……

Obviously when “Frank Sinatra” was singing this song he was singing for her…but I would love to dedicate him when I hum this composition…

…..you told me in a very sarcastic manner “Being all philosophical is boring”, and I saw through what you intended……

When I first met him I kept wondering, how can anybody be so happy, so motivated and so full of energy, its only when I stopped to peep in that I understood that some people make an effort to be like that, and they don’t end being that way, they make it contagious so that anybody who comes in contact are equally happier, motivated and relieved.

I would refer this relation as learning to play the chord G# on a guitar, the little finger which is never put to use all your life is suddenly responsible for leading the rhythm, and it feels vulnerable, but once you are used to it you don’t have to make any effort and in contradictory you seek to use this chord more often because it gives a very satisfying reverberation. Our encounter was something like this, there was nothing common in between us, in fact we were in all ways poles apart and I actually had to break the cadence to create this window, and in the process crafted a new alliance which gave a new dimension to my disposition.

I think by nature we humans are poignant species and we love to be cheerless because we feel it gives a very solemn attitude, we have this other side of our temperament which is continuously been overshadowed willingly as if we are doing a favor to somebody with our existence.

….and you kicked my butt and showed me the colors of joy, and I was absolute.

I would call this encounter as attaining to be complete.

MONOLOGUE

“Ok this is exactly what I was thinking…..” I hated such coincidences knowing I would preserve this idiosyncrasy as my personality, but always with a sense of contentment, contentment rising from the fact that he understands me like myself. Believe me if you consider you never need such person in your lifetime then you had a very exceptional life, and I can never envisage any life so idyllic.

So where do I place this person in my life, who knows my worth as an individual and accepts me not the way I think of myself but the way he thinks I could be, interesting isn’t it but that’s the relation that I share….and when I say to myself I have had the best of my time with this person I am not exaggerating. I never questioned for the time and space that we share and the admiration and willingness to redefine our intellectual union.

VIZAG I will remember it for one more reason…., I was not ready to rush into anything, it was exactly like a breakup, only this time it was with life, and I wanted to go very slow and possible take a halt to actually decide if my further journey is worth any try.

I think what hold us together is the reality that we are not embarrassed by silence and had the understanding to strike the perfect chord when there was a need to speak about and consciously make an effort to complement the silence.

I know there are many people who live a meaningless life, (meaningless I would say because may be they are chasing the wrong things) but I know I am lucky to have this encounter with the person who follows his heart and lives with this obsession. Some day (if they are lucky enough) will understand the true meaning of your passion.

That few moments that I share with this person is like living a borrowed life where I can imagine of THAT life which I know I will never be able to live in reality….